Ramblings

This is an open letter
written to the branch manager of Proctor
and Gamble...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of
your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd
probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But
my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic.. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each
month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had
a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm
guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now..
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As branch manager in
the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of
research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge
to shove her husband's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to
the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you ##**#* kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing
happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
"happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man.
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it
make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down
the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons